As I write this, I’m thinking of 10 other things I should be doing with my time – creating a frustrating and unwanted clutter of anxiety and lack of focus. I’m thinking of the work that I could be doing to get ahead in my job, the emails that I should be responding to, the calls I could be making to check in with family and friends, the books I could be reading, the shopping I should be doing for my new home, all the things I would be doing if I weren’t so anxious… There’s so much chatter going on about the ways to “best” use my time that I’m constantly in conflict with my present moments.
It’s almost impossible to be productive when your imprisoned in the ‘should be, could be, would be.’ The only progress you’re making is in adding more things to your to-do list. More things that likely won’t get done until you’re able to take action.
I’m defensive when my husband tells me that I don’t manage my time well. How could that be the case? I have 5 different to-do lists, I’m always prompt, and I get shit done. The difference, he calls out, is that my healthy management of time revolves around the needs of others – not my own. If I’ve got a job deadline, I can push myself to work until midnight and get up at 4am just to meet it. If I’ve set a goal for myself, my rest becomes more important than a dream deferred. And I don’t always choose rest because I’m exhausted – I choose to rest because I’ve got to be sharpened enough for another day at the [home] office.
I don’t subscribe to the hustle or die culture. But one lesson that I can take from those ‘always on’ influencers and corporate ladder climbers is the importance of keeping the pursuit of my dreams first on my checklist and going the extra mile to achieve a personal goal. That would be time well spent – if I could actually allow myself to not feel guilty about it.